Effing Dykes Offers: Just What Lies Beneath (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

This might be a Special Guest article by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is a queer girl web log which is hilarious and wise and some raunchy and
WE LOVE IT
. Probably wouldn’t end up being an awful idea to set apart a while to get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you yourself haven’t currently. Just be sure you keep coming back here to see this blog post, since it is unique, as aforementioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the pal. Everybody had gotten your pal? Good. Hang on fast towards pal’s hand.

‘Cause this is a genuine story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I ended up being so newly gay I didn’t know I Happened To Be newly homosexual…

An asian women seeking older lesbian during the now-defunct queer bar labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became totally merely indeed there to boogie)


gave me some information:

1)


Never ever open a mutual checking account along with your enthusiast



2)


Never fake orgasms



3)


Verify a lady’s nails are thoroughly clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in the woman later part of the 40’s, an age group up until now away from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that I couldn’t actually think about exactly what it must certanly be like to be thus ancient.

How sad, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she actually is outdated. I’m hoping Really don’t wind up depressed like their.

Actually it fun to-be the biggest market of your personal universe?

Just what a tiny bit crap I happened to be.

For whatever reason, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that evening saying her three rules to me.

While I woke upwards, I thought of these.

It absolutely was kind of like during the sterling silver seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to remember The indicators.


Don’t behave like you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set one or more times per year.

In any event! in recent times, i recalled the three existence classes the lesbian had trained myself. The woman advice made feeling.

We never opened a joint checking account with anybody.

We never faked sexual climaxes once more following the first few occasions i did so it, realizing I happened to be, indeed, dooming myself personally to a continuous cycle of shitty gender by worthwhile poor overall performance with my whines of „ecstasy.”

And I also always secretly examined a girl’s nails before we slept with her.

Small? Check.

No rough edges? Always Check.

Clean? It’s go time.

But precisely why, sluts?


What’s the big deal about fingernails?


What is with all the current short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I have it. It is more difficult to screw with very long fingernails. You can possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it is maybe not impossible. I had lengthy nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t everything hard — you simply be sure to use the pads of hands.

So just why was actually that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision to accomplish some debunking.

Surely absolutely nothing could truly happen to you should you decide had gotten shagged by some body with filthy nails.

Then I recalled a story so awful I would virtually overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor shit sometimes happens.

This horror tale relates to us due to my personal good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who has seen even more vagina in temperature than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay time.

All Right.

Cai


was at Miami whenever she met a tremendously hot femme we’ll phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies cooking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had gigantic silver hoops that shimmered inside light, plus held one of the greatest asses


Cai


had previously viewed.

She privately texted me an image of

Katie

within share so she could brag, and I also texted right back,


„I would personally strike that till my personal hand fell off.”

Thus, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


house that night. There were some major drinking.

While getting undressed


Katie


within the half-light,


Cai


noticed one thing she had not really seen before:



Katie had cool fingernails.

Indeed,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot end the mental image of the nails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, so animalistic sex commenced.

Cai


also let

Katie


shag this lady, while she normally never allows anybody accomplish that. Just what hell, she figured. Going house tomorrow. Never ever see this lady again. I will get topped for every night.

Let us fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Something had been completely wrong with


Cai’s


„area.”

Seriously, honestly completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff ended up being oozing as a result. As soon as I say some What i’m saying is exorbitant. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


would not visit the lady-doctor.

Because being encouraging is really what relationship is all about, whenever she explained, we stated,


„So you eventually had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved home, googled „the clap” and turned into convinced that she did, certainly have actually gonorrhea. She went, the very first time ever


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno clinic.

They failed to know what ended up being incorrect together.

They tried her for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some discomfort. She needed answers. She was basically getting the


‘pus’


in


„pussy”


for almost a month now.

So they provided their an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU GUESS WHAT IT DISCOVERED.

Genital tears. Throughout the within the woman vag.

A significant load of tears.

Cai


was in fact torn to shreds. Her insides happened to be hanging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday designs inside.

And everything – every finally inch – had been infected.

It might seem that when Katie utilized her fabulous extended fingernails provide

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails had been additionally a festering reproduction soil for



microbial vaginosis

.

Brilliant.

Cai


claims to have been a stone-cold very top since that time.

My personal companion wikipedia states you can aquire terrible problems from filthy nails. Apparently, you’ll find sometimes staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, which can trigger any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That sensible lesbian was spot-on with her life classes.

Never ever open up a joint bank checking account together with your fan.

Never ever artificial orgasms.

And holy mummy of goodness, discover an innovative new technique’s nails before fucking.

Or perhaps you tend to be condemned to experience the fate of Cai.

THE FINISH

I Need To question, however…

Have any of y’all ever become everything unpleasant from another women’s hands?

Or heard of a person who did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I would like solutions.